Loss
by Minne-My
Summary: Serena is lost in her grief


'Ellie!'

She called out to her, the wind whipping away her words. Her daughter's hair, always so long and lustrous, unfurled like a banner on her purple coat and Serena's heart thumped to see that familiar sight. As usual, her back was turned to her. Serena would have been surprised if it hadn't been. Coming up and taking hold of her arm, her greeting stopped abruptly. The girl turned around but it wasn't Elinor.

Serena stared at her in shock, dropped her grip. She stuttered and apologised for the mistake.

'Serena?'

A gentle voice took her attention from the bewildered girl. Bernie Wolfe had arrived, coming to stand next to her. Serena knew her, they worked on different floors of the hospital but had worked together in theatre a couple of times before. They made a great team, matching each other in skill and expertise very well.

'Sorry, I'm so sorry. I thought you were someone else.'

'Erm, this is my daughter, Charlotte' said Bernie.

Serena looked at the girl who gave her a polite smile. Of course she was. She had Bernie's nose. And eyes, she thought. Of course she had her back turned, waiting for her mother to come out of the ED. Serena wished she could just walk away. She tried to mumble a pleasantry.

'Serena is a colleague; she works up in AAU' Bernie informed her daughter. Charlotte said hi and wondered who this woman had mistaken her for. Bernie couldn't think of who that might be until she saw Serena's desperate longing, hoping that it was Elinor she'd seen.

'I thought you were my daughter. From a distance you look a bit like her' Serena explained, keeping her tone as casual as she could. Bernie noted the tremble in her voice and her heart dropped. She'd seen Elinor in the distance a couple of times before she died. Always arguing with Serena. She'd heard that they'd never got on. And everyone knew that their last words to each other were highly explosive and uncomplimentary. She had been commonly known as trouble. And yet, Serena had loved her like most mothers would have. Bernie knew what it was like to be at war with a daughter. It had taken the best part of three years to reconnect with her own. She knew her expression registered pity and hated herself for it but it was impossible to hide it.

'Ok' said Charlotte, not sure what to say. The woman seemed on the verge of tears and the atmosphere teetered as if on the brink of a hurricane.

'Your hair' Serena explained, her voice a little stronger. 'So much like Ellie's.' Charlotte looked down at her long brown shiny hair, her pride and joy. She had thought about dying it blonde like her mum (she'd never known a time when Bernie hadn't been holed up at the bathroom sink with a box every time she came back in the holidays) but it was just too much effort and she preferred to spend energy in keeping it shiny and sleek. Her brother had unkindly referred to it as a horse's tail but Charlotte loved her hair.

'Thanks' she said awkwardly.

'She had a coat just like that.'

It was an old coat from H&M, Charlotte told her. Serena nodded; Ellie liked shopping there. She'd come home trailing a bag full of outfits she'd strut around the town in. Serena couldn't remember if that purple coat with the furry hood was still in the house, shoved away in Ellie's wardrobe that she hadn't cleared out yet. She glanced away to see Bernie look at her compassionately, but she just wanted to go.

'Ok well, I've got to go, sorry about that. Bernie, I'll see you around.'

They insisted that it had been fine and it was lovely to see her. Serena made her excuses and hurried away.

'Is she alright?'

'Her daughter died in a car accident a couple of years ago' Bernie explained. 'Around this time of year. I can understand why she had briefly forgotten when seeing someone she thought looked like her. You can never stop being a parent, even when you lose them.'

Bernie gave guilty thanks to the universe that her daughter was still alive, had finally forgiven her for tearing apart their family and hurried her to the car. There was a storm brewing and she wanted to get home quickly.

'I'll pop into AAU tomorrow and see if she's ok. She won't be but she'll be working, pretending that she's fine as usual.'

Bernie wouldn't mention the constant companion of red wine bottle and lonely wineglass in her office. It wasn't her place to gossip about Serena, as long as she could do her job.

'That's awful.'

'If she won't help herself, there's nothing we can do but just wait until she does. If she does.'

Bernie started the car and drove on. It was sad about Serena but she just couldn't help her. She didn't know her well enough for that. Bernie just retained the hope that one day, that excellent surgeon would start to tread towards healing herself, step out of the purgatory that she was living in. Until then she would live only half a life, something that Bernie wished on no-one, knowing how it felt.

But it was up to her.


End file.
